I believe that, for all of us, there are some obvious and profound constellation alignments in our lives, that for some reason, we don’t spot for many years. And then, one day, perhaps its something we catch out of the corner of our eye, or we at last feel the nudge from our inner spirit, we look up and take in the Homer Simpson style ‘Doh!’ moment.
I have to confess that I can’t recall when, or what, it was that made the penny drop for me, but when I turned 60, I had a sudden realisation that there was approximately a thirty year age difference between me and my father and a similar approximate gap between me and my son. And more staggeringly that, with my birthday in April, my son’s in May and my fathers in June, there was a narrow window of 19 days, when Gar would be 30, I would be 60 and my father would be 90.
It was a startling realisation and I saw the same look of amazement on my son’s face when I explained it to him. And similarly my wife and daughter when I told them. Why had I not made the connection before? Surely the major birthdays when I turned 40, or 50 were just as significant?
I think the reason that brought things into focus for me, and which was equally monumental and irrevocable, was my father moving into his declining years . He had been remarkably sedentary in his later life and from that point of view it was amazing that he saw in his 96th year. As a child I remember him always being busy around the house. Renovating and making furniture, Barry Bucknell style*, gardening and decorating and in later life getting drawn, for a few years, into playing golf. Looking back and now being able to reflect on my own experience of what being active in later life can be like, I realise that he hadn’t really been that energetic, even in his 40s and 50s.
As you’ll see from some of my other blog posts, I didn’t have a close, or particularly good relationship with my father. There was nothing like a brutal onslaught from him, or between us. He was more the master of a ‘death by a thousand cuts’ and cynicism and withholding were his weapons of choice.
So, when I went to him with my 90-60-30 revelation (I was wise enough to flatteringly put him and his older age as the focus) and a proposal that Gar and I travel up to see him and celebrate one day during that 19 day window, he embraced the idea like a poisoned chalice.
Believe me, I was expecting that reaction. I’d never known my father to joyfully step into any gift, or suggestion, that hadn’t come from him. And, because this was a birthday alignment that involved others and didn’t have just him as its focus, discovering the fact, or having a similar thought would never have crossed his mind, if we’d left it up to him.
I’m sad to say that he was a bitter man and I only segue here briefly to add a context that has come to mind as I write. My son had, on more than one occasion, tried to catch my father’s attention and make a grandfather-grandson connection of his own. I recall Gar telling me of an open hearted letter he’d written to my dad saying that he, Gar, wasn’t feeling too good about himself (this was several years before Gar’s death) and had been feeling quite low. Hoping that his brave honesty would inspire empathy and, perhaps offer a golden opportunity for a life sharing and bonding moment between them, my father instead took his time replying and simply told Gar to ‘pull himself together’. My dad was always an expert at knocking the legs out from under you.
I remember very well, Gar telling me about how shit and angry he felt after getting that reply. He knew he could generously excuse it, by seeing it as a generational thing. Men from his grandfather’s era did just ‘pull themselves together’ and get on with it. Two world wars had seen to that. And for Gar to shrug his real feelings away about what my dad had said, was equally inappropriate. It’s a difficult junction between age groups that I’m sure every family has to negotiate, with many times, deference being given to the older man – and to keep the peace.
What a difference in both of these instances, if my father’s response had been loving and sympathetic. What empathic door might he have opened in his reply letter, that Gar and he could have built on through the following years. Support and a listening ear that, who knows, Gar might have found himself able to turn to many times over the following years, and which might have even influenced Gar’s feelings about himself and the final path he chose. (Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not suggesting that this was a pivotal point for Gar and had it gone the other way, then he would still be here).
And if the 30, 60, 90 celebration had gone ahead, what a potentially, beautiful memory that would have created for me and Gar, for long after my dad had died. Who knows it could have been the seed for many future personal father – son annual gatherings in our family, particularly if Gar had ever had a son. A positive and deeply personal family ritual that honours the generations and foundations. We seem to be short of such things in today’s world, as I explore further in my blogs about Men. (Bear with me in these early days of the website)
What the 30, 60, 90 experience did do, however, was provide me with a wonderfully colourful topic for a short story. I’ll be adding it to the website at some point. If you would like to know when that goes live, please keep in touch by joining my mailing list via the Contact Page.
